The Nexus Gulf

One of the great benefits of belonging to a health club is the huge variety of exercise equipment that’s available. It’s also a great place to meet and observe a wide cross section of society. Here are just a few of the more notable health club regulars:

1. Screaming Banshee — We’ve all been focused on our workout when out of nowhere comes a blood-curdling sound from the corner of the weight room. You look over and there’s a guy doing laterals with 20 lb dumbbells. It doesn’t matter what the exercise or weight is — he’s screaming with every rep. If it helps his workouts, then more power to him! It certainly makes a good case for a Walkman.

2. The Strainer — The Strainer can often be observed loading up a barbell or weight stack with poundage that he is unable to perform even a single rep in good form with. A favorite exercise of the Strainer is the triceps press down machine. He will position the pin almost near the bottom of the weight stack and then proceed to wrestle the stack downward with every ounce of his being. It’s truly painful to watch, but like a car wreck, it’s hard to look away.

After using most all of the muscles in his upper body along with several in his lower, he finally manages to complete a rep. “That’s one!” Yep, only nine more to go. Oh yeah, don’t bother trying to be helpful and tell him to use less weight. You’ll only be greeted with a nasty glare.

3. iPod Head Banger — this is usually a young person, male or female, who seems to have ear buds permanently implanted into their head. Music can be a great inspiration during your workouts, but these folks turn the volume up to 11. Of course everyone in the immediate area can groove to the same jams due to the sound leaking out from their ear buds.

The hazard is that Mr. or Ms Head Banger is usually oblivious to their surroundings and you’ll need to shout to get their attention if the need arises. At least you can hear them coming and give them a wide berth.

4. Stanley Steamer — it’s hard to believe, but there are people who actually use their gym memberships just to avail themselves of the locker room amenities. Take Stanley Steamer for example. He may come in on his lunch hour or after work and do some quick cardio work and then it’s right back to the locker room. The cardio work is just a pretext for what comes next.

He then will do alternating shifts between the dry sauna and steam room until he’s sweated out every last drop of water from his body. This process can go on for up to an hour. “Great for the pores!” he’ll tell you as he stands there glistening like a Thanksgiving Butterball. You go Stan!

5. Ken and Barbie — there are some gym regulars who are so genetically gifted that they have gone into permanent “maintenance mode” for they’re training. Their routines consist of a solid core of shaping exercises with the strict rule that they must never, under any circumstances, ever shed one drop of sweat!

No hair is out of place and they look spectacular in their Lycra workout gear. In fact, you seem to never see them wearing anything else, even outside of the gym.

6. Chatty Cathy — Cathy is a relatively new species that has evolved with the proliferation of cell phones and the trend to use them no matter where we are.
She will take up position on the adductor machine and wait for a call — any call — which soon arrives without fail.

She’ll talk away for minutes on end. Occasionally passing the cell phone to any friends who have joined her for a “workout”. She’ll use these breaks to get in a few reps on whatever machine she’s parked herself on. Just to be fair and balanced, there are also plenty of Chatty Carls as well.

7. Swiss Ball Magician — this is usually either a personal trainer or staff member who has learned a large repertoire of stability ball exercises from a special course or secret training manual. I marvel at the endless variety of moves they possess!

They’re on top of the ball, under it, along side it, between the legs with it, and around the back. They make the Harlem Globe Trotters look like pikers! Actually, I pay close attention when they’re around and try to cop some of their moves.

All of these types are well-meaning folks and they are certainly preferable to some of the knuckleheads that sometimes show up at the gym. They make going to the gym the enjoyable and enriching experience that it is.

Rich Rojas

Elliptical Trainer Reviews and Fitness Ideas

http://www.ellipticalhome.com

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Why Testicles? By John Sammon

There are certain parts of the human body I just can’t figure
out.

For example, testicles, you know, the little round reproductive
spheres men have.

Why testicles?

What do they do?

If you’re a woman, the best way I can describe it…it’s like
having an octopus right under your male organ.

These things move and look, just like an octopus.

They are very loose and flexible, and like an octopus, they
float around. Some times they’re in front of your closed legs,
sometimes behind. Sometimes, half in front, half in back.

You can take your hand and switch them, place them further
behind you, for example, as you lay in bed.

They hang down and trail behind you every where you go, bobbing
from side to side. It’s like having an old worn-out catcher’s
mitt down there. These things are very sensitive, and I rarely
enjoy reaching down and feeling them.

Perhaps I’m afraid that what I might feel, for some unexplained
reason, might not feel quite right. I just don’t enjoy feeling
those, and most men are like me. It’s kind of like the dark side
of the moon. You just don’t go there.

Women, on the other hand, have everything neatly packed inside.

You have two of these balls, just like you mostly have two of
everything else. Two hands, two feet, two ears, two nipples, two
shoulders, two. Why always two?

But it’s not always two of everything.

You’ve only got one chin. There are exceptions.

Because testicles are so sensitive, they make me cringe a lot
thinking of what could happen if….

For example if a mule kicked me there. Or somebody grabbed me
there with pliers.

Only men have these thoughts.

Another body part I can’t figure out are eyebrows.

Two tiny strips of hair over your eyes?

If this was originally intended as shade on a hot day, we got
gypped.

Why eyebrows? And once again, like everything else, you’ve got
two. Do we need one extra as a backup?

If I shaved my eyebrows, I would look pretty strange. As if
having two narrow strips of hair over your eyes isn’t strange?

Sometimes women paint fake eyebrows with paint on their
foreheads when they don’t have enough hair.

Eyebrows have one solitary distinction. They are the only hair
located somewhere else other than your head that is considered
attractive (not counting beards and mustaches). Hair hanging out
your nose, hair on your ears, hair on your back, are all
considered gross.

Hair growing out of an ugly mole on your neck is the same.

Hair, to be desirable, is just like real estate. It’s location,
location, location.

© Copyright 2004 by SammonSays.com

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